YAB

you are beautiful....and dont even know it
you are beautiful...but never really show it
you are beautiful...but i wont tell you why
you are beautiful....all you do is lie
you are beautiful....but showed me otherwise
you are beautiful....but you will never know it

Election Day.

Another day in history that i have been blessed to be a part of! This one is special i have my beautiful son. Today marks if the people of The United States will stand for what is best or fall in stupidity!!
Hilary Clinton vs. Donald Trump!
I hope i look back and laugh at the joke that is Donald Trump.
I casted my vote and lets see if that vote mattered.
 November 8th, 2016....
my son is 7 months old...has two teeth...and my heart is happy

Soul

They really hit it on the nose when they named it SOUL MUSIC.... <3 p="">

sadness

i have sadness behind my eyes
i dont feel it very much but once in a while it will creep up
the sadness can come from my heart bc once i care the deed is done
you may not think this is not hard for me but it may be the hardest bc for i, i needed you
you didnt
now i dont want you and you cant understand the pain
i smile but it just aint there
i laugh but i just dont feel the rumble
i have faith things will get back but will we get those memories back
probably not
open ended...

peace

i sometimes sit here with silence on the mind...trying to find
peace
peace of mind
peace of heart
peace of soul

ONLINE FLEA MARKET!!

COMING SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

while you sleep

while you sleep...
i dream of you
while you sleep...
i see us at carnivals, movies, bbqs, beaches, hotels, airplanes, schools, libraries, museums, parks, bedtimes, mornings, stores, car rides
while you sleep...
i dream of good times with you
while you sleep...
i dream of dreams for you
what will you become?
I just hope what ever you wish to be you are happy with
be the best of you
what ever that may be
i hope to show you how to be the best of yourself
while you dream...
i think of you
sweet boy Eliyus

time

Time seems to fade so fastly..
I catch up but it slips through my fingertips
You are three weeks now,
time why have you allowed so much!
I am happy for the time im allowed to myself now
I get to write this lol
and talk about time
Smile by Nat King Cole plays
and He smiles my little boy
I smile
 mommy sees happy
Today nothing is to happen but enoying to smile and live
enjoy the wind, sun, nature, your sweet face, and the life i have chosen
time you have been good to me

Daddy...

What can i say?
Where do i start?
I would have never ever guessed you would be so amazing...
I couldnt have wished for anything more....
Eliyus and i are very lucky to have you in our lives
It brings so much joy to see how you love us so....
It has been three weeks and you have been there every step of every case
You are not perfect in anyway shape or form lol but neither are we, i can say you are perfect enough
Your son will grow to know what true love is and be warm in his heart bc of YOU
Another child in the future will be allowed this energy from him bc of YOU
You are important and i hope you know this
I love you
daddy
Mommy loves daddy
and I know Baby Eliyus knows what love is already

Thank you Daddy

ups AND downs

After giving birth my emotions have been UP and Down
I cry a lot about everything even happiness, like looking into Eliyus' eyes makes me cry bc of how beautiful he is and how much i love him!
Then I cry bc i am crying!
what a roller coaster
It will end soon i know this bc i love my son and want no harm to any of us so i know its just the blues...
Two weeks will pass and ill be good to conquer the world with my son
If you are reading this just know it is normal to go through emotional stress when you have a baby!
you are not crazy or wrong or sick!
just the blues that will turn into sunshines and rainbows...
Love you eliyus!

Mommy loves you

memory of a weds morning

I wonder if you will ever remember these moments...
laying on your bobby pillow while listening to Jazz Pandora with your momma!
you lay there peaceful with a sky blue colored Muslim fabric blanket...the weather outside shines like gold through our open window which streams the wind into our lives...
you smile in your dreams and your dimples tell me you are happy...
can you hear my thoughts?
feel my prayers?
taste the future?
See my love?
I adore you beautiful baby boy
enjoy these memories bc they will never come back but ill cherish them through my words
here....for
you

Breastfeeding

ATTENTION WOMEN!!!

breastfeeding is fucking difficult. point. blank. period.

no one tells you how to master this i honestly dont think you can master it....but i learned so much i would like to pass on!

Dont expect milk or leakage until after the baby is born, if you have it before you are lucky just take it!
Now be prepared!!!!!!!!!!
Breastfeeding means sore tender breast/nipples!
1. get cold compress/hot compress (this helps when your breast are sore *cold* and to help produce the milk duds stimulate *hot*)
2. get a pump (just to have and get yourself going)
3. ointment (landolin and coconut oil is what i used but get what suits you)
4. Patience!
This process is super hard you have to really take care of your breast bc they do get bad quick if you dont. Also the baby will feed A LOT for the first few weeks, prepare to be a sitting cow getting ready to be milked!
You dont produce actual milk until a few days after the baby has suckled yo are actually giving your baby colostrum which is very good for them!
read read read ............ everything you can on breastfeeding someone can answer your questions!
i gave my little guy formula at night bc i dont feel my milk duds were producing enough so we (baby, daddy, and i) can sleep!
as soon as my milk seems like enough then ill stop that..
i still havent mastered it like i said its hard, i get frustrated and want to give up but i would realllllllly be happiest if my baby feeds from me instead of processed crap!



hope this helped someone!
Eliyus Mom

I am a MOTHERRRRRRRRRR

wow....
what an unexplainable feeling this is....
last i was here i had a few weeks of pregnancy left!
Then POW soon as i knew it i was on the operating table waiting to see my baby boy
he is amazing AMAZING I SAID
ANYTHING I COULD HAVE EVER ASKED FOR AND MORE
wow
you just cant understand unless youve been there
lots has been going on but ill get to that!
I AM A MOTHERRRRRR
its such an amazing feeling i dont ever want to feel what is was like without him ever again

worries...thoughts

my feet swell
my hands hurt
the list undone OF TO DOS
tummy discomfort
doctor who is not as attentive
ultra sounds postponed
I worry about what is going on
bc he is my first
what do I do
what do I feel
where do I go
who do I see
so many many questions
???????????????????????????????????????
blah HELP

i see you

I watch
she know
I don't hide
she know
im not scared
she know
ten steps ahead
she know
I liked her for a moment
she knew
took me for a fool
I know
not too smart tho
you know
I play chess
don't know?
Strategy the name of the game
she know
high hopes
I knew
not high enough
too true
pick and choose
he knew
not you
I knew
hearts and minds don't mix
we know

VALENTINE'S DAY

This day is definitely overrated. I just like the thought that should be thought everyday....
He def made it special just THINKING about me. he knows me...
breakfast
secret texts
wild goose chase
alone time
shopping
romanticism
and at the very end of it alllllllllllllllll..................SOME BANGING ASS VALENTINES DICK!!!!!!!
LMAO

sorry it is just to good to not brag about lol

We fit and the fit is just enough

hearts...kisses....hugs....candles....food.... LOVE

everything I ever need and more

LOVE love LOVE

you and I
popa and moma <3 font="">

WISHES

wishes...fall on deaf ears
she writes until the night comes
lonely....im sure
makes for a darker, forceful stroke
wishes....the star is out for the night
she looks looks looks deeply
yearning...im sure
for a love once had not now
go away pain....
burns so good until her skin is burned
she runs
into arms of another for the moment
feels good...or bad...both
she doesn't understand
the wound
its deep but its from her own infliction
her own knife, her own actions
wishes....the bone has broke years before
Hopes were all she had
hurting whoever she could along her road of unhappiness
While keeping a grip on the man
who has long forgotten
of ....the wish
she had spoken of once before
Deaf ears don't listen
poor she
holding to what can be
once gone never to be
do you see?
look away...or
let the eyes of desperation burn your sight
then when blind and deaf
she will have nothing but her insides to fight
im sure

its love...

he hugs me

from the inside in

we are in this together

for the rest of our lives

Baby I love you

I adore you

and everyday you show me the same

hang on tight

we are almost there

Our lives will start

happiness...love...faith...loyalty...will ensue

taking over our bodies

until the past feels like a book once read

chapters of written adventures

countless words of thoughts

we will flip them together

looking into what may have been our demise

ill see you in the sequel

Baby

<3 strong="">

LOVE STORY

we have an unordinary love story.

Starting from the depths of lust we became ...well quaint.
I was involved in what one can call a dead relationship. He was free, completely in every sense of the word. Unknown to my world he reeled me ...........in deeper. Mentally.
took us a while of intimate conversation but once I was hooked, that was it. He knew exactly what to say, where to touch, and how to look... I broke down faster than ice against blazing fire.
I left the other once I gained the strength, making me weak all In the same. He captured me seemed warm seemed honest. false pretenses.
Years and years pass....
many heartaches, fights, other people....from both ends we fell in and out of love
always finding our way back into each others arms. nothing else ever mattered when we held each other, today the same exists.
We hold something very dear to us, a baby boy and with this love.....our love grows strong.
Willow trees blocking rays that can harm our roots....
a better you a better me a better us for family what we' ve always been

I love you Papa Bear <3 p="">
our story continues

Friends

we talked....we laughed.....we touched....we bonded....we sat...we looked....we ate...we enjoyed....we cried....we became one....we dreamed....we hoped....we danced....we laid.....we promised.....we smelled.....we washed....we tasted.....no other love is OUR LOVE

33 weeks

I feel you more than ever
baby boy
you are on your way
baby boy
I wait for you to see you
baby boy
my life is yours now
baby boy
everything I am and will be belongs to you
baby boy
to rock you
to kiss you
to hold you
to show you
baby boy
im here
THAT DAY WILL BE THE FIRST DAY OF MY LIFE..
DADDY AND MOMMY LOVE YOOU
BABY BOY

Glass

breakable
fragile
gentle
careful
see through
cracked
beautiful
sand
lightning
strong

you Push me away

further from friendship

further from love

further toward solitude

 

you PUSH me

 

I fall

into deep sadness

with blue thoughts

twirling with the devil

 

you PUSh me

 

without intention

without conviction

 

you PUSH me to

PICK me up

 

 

leaving me blank

 

once again

DOWN SOUTH

planning to move out of the north
                                                                                                                                   incredible
My partner is accepting of this and is now ready to go
now we make steps, lists, and accommodations to move
looks like the end of this year would be best so I can save all I can and find something reasonable.
                          yes
                                I am scared!
but life is meant to be adventurous and risks should be taken
I haven't done anything like this before
if we fail we track back to the city we know
but I highly doubt we wont succeed
I know us and we are awesome
looking into florida and Georgia
this will be fun
as long as I have my family with me
I cant be torn down
You little guy and I
lets do this
 PRAY FOR US

JUJU

Verbalization

Our talks are always very necessary.... He spoke deeply with me letting me into his soul...I  loved every minute of it... he told me things I wanted to ask of him but didn't need to... we are in a place that speaks volume...sex is still strong too unbelievable to have this...I've been waiting for a thousand years and it seems like you have been waiting too...Here we are. you ready?

we have so much ahead of us but it looks promising...the doubts you have the pain you feel, I am there with you. many things in common...my friend you are and I you will always be....forever <3 p="">

saturday beautiful morning light

Its beautiful outside!


I am unfortunately at work but the good news is that I leave in 30 mins! YIPPEE

Last night was rough but I am always happy to be there for the love of my life whatever he needs im there we are family and death is where my loyalty stops!

Today, I will get home shower and do the things I want *isn't that exciting?* lol

I am silly I just done a bunch of nothing for years and wasted a lot of time being unmotivated that I am filled with energy when I think about what I can accomplish with this time I have!

love peace and chicken grease

see ya later

imaginary baby

I imagine my little boy so vividly when I am home. He is already so part of my life!

When I sit on the couch I see him usually laying in between my legs. Or when my lover lays on me I see my prince coming to lay on us and cuddle us. it is the most gratifying thing and it hasn't even started yet!

I am just looking forward to seeing his face and holding his hand. tucking him to sleep and kissing his sweet cheeks. I love you so much my sweet may we make each other proud as human beings.

see you soon

Day OFFFFFFF

Yesterday was my day off so of course I didn't write in the blog bc I was too busy enjoying my dang day off!

My lover and I had a great morning conversation about my past demons and what needs to continue on my part in order for me to be the happiest I can...

Let go let go let go

shit happened and shit happens!

Im not making what I have a fairytale its far FAR from it..... but it does feel so great fills my soul and I am positively sure I fulfill his soul as well.

We had breakfast he cooked me some amazing banana Muffin PANCAKES lol weird I know but worked out, it was muffin mix and he just cooked them flat hahahah
all the while listen to Fabulous' monotone ass Mixtape

Then we finished the morning watching "the intern" which was a very good movie!

Took a 20 minute nap...which always sucks bc of how tired I get afterwards lol and then he went to work while I:
got an oil change
visited my mom
went to the fruit market and then picked him up later!

Got home took a shower, watched an episode on Hulu while we took it down for the night!

31 WEEKS AND 3 DAYS

hey PEEPS,

I am working today open 730am- close 6pm...insane right?

well, I am here eating a Boston crème donut ::which is insanely naughty and scrumptious:: and internet surfing.

I've looked for a Baby shower dress (no luck)...moving to Denmark (highly considering)....ideas for my maternity pictures before my balloon pops! etc.

I daydream about my leave the things I need to get done, the things I want to get done, the possibilities!!!!!!!!! lol but I will have a small addition that may keep me busy so i don't know what to expect!

i have a career i want to start. Projects I wish to collaborate on. Ideas and wishful thinking!

Malls, libraries, events, nature, journals, growth, music, art, love, vacations i hope it all comes together for me!

the future seems so bright right now, but im broke! lol

Ill ind a will and a way

JUST WATCH

My king

If I can take all the years of pain and disrespect we caused upon one another, I would bare it on my nude body and nail myself to a wooden cross to show you the value of your life to me. I cant take anything we may feel from the past away but I can continue to show you that you are the King that holds my heart in his hands.

This child I nourish inside of me is a symbol of what our love is capable of creating... He will be the proof in the pudding I hold with such esteem. I am ecstatic to reward your love for me with this one of a kind child, that will flow with your blood, your thoughts will caress his conscience and your love will mold his life.

I have many demons if you haven't seen already, I let the past haunt me. I don't allow my power to shine. I was never nurtured to be great, but I am confident those days will be far behind me soon enough.

I can not promise to make you the man you may want to become but I promise to love the man that you will always be, the man that has loved me unconditionally.

We fall to help each other up. In every dead end we will have each other where one will see the light.

My King, I only hope that one day you will see the Queen I am and allow me the space to walk with you to everlasting life. Together we will unite and become one....

  

Count Down

The count down begins...

to Motherhood

I will write everyday....to cure boredom...to keep stationary...and to lead someone who will follow

Today I start the countdown my last day of work will be March 10th!!

that is approximately 44 days away....

1,056 hours from now-

63,360 minutes to go@

lol

ok let me stop! before I turn into a Musical and fail miserably.

I definitely used a calculator by the way, no genius mathematician here.

today I make 31 weeks and 2 days pregnant. the baby shower is next month a few weeks away!

I have so much to do this coming month I think it may go pretty fast.

baby shower....labor plans...packing for labor...preparing baby stuff (wash, room)...getting paperwork together...FINDING MY PEACE OF MIND

LOL

So yes this month is definitely going to fly by and March will be here before I know it. Then its show time!

I cant wait ...

talk to you guys LATER

Juju <3 p="">

CONFIDENCE

confidence is key
the unnatural way of thinking comes from a self pride seen or taught from another
confidence holds life
the quaint replica of finding ones true being
confidence seeks truth
the personification that is the good and bad decisions



I not only was aware that my confidence wasn't to par but accepted it to blame for my mistakes, insecurities, and my way of life. I never once took responsibility for the being for which I am. only you hold the essence which is you, neither good nor bad happenings should hinder an individuals light. I took what was negative too drown what was me, the light I have inside.
Today I hold a child to bare into the world, which to me was filled with no more hope than my life...

I toast to your heart my love, may we be confident in ourselves and enjoy what life brings our way

FOOD PANTRY LIST NEWARK AND EAST ORANGE

just in case anyone needed help getting food please call these pantries for info!!!!!

Website: www.northreformedchurch.org

510 Broad Street

Newark, NJ - 07102

 973-623-3198

 

St Rocco's Outreach Project Solution

712 Springfield Avenue

Newark, NJ - 07108

 (973) 371-5266

 

The Apostle's House

18 Grant Street

Newark, NJ - 07104

 (973) 482-0625

 

The Salvation Army - Newark (Central)

45 Central Avenue

Newark, NJ - 07102

 (973) 623-5959

 

St Bridget Support Center

404 University Avenue

Newark, NJ - 07102

 (973) 799-0484

 

 

St Ann's Church Food Pantry

103 16th Avenue

Newark, NJ - 07103

 (973) 642-5553

 

St Barnabas Aids Resource Center

505 West Market Street

Newark, NJ - 07107

 (973) 481-0009

 

Positive Health Care Inc.

333 Washington Street

Newark, NJ - 07102

 (973) 596-9358

 

Quest St Charles, Youth Services

85 Custer Avenue

Newark, NJ - 07112

 (973) 824-4524

 

Renaissance Church Of Newark
400 7th Avenue

Newark, NJ - 07107
(973) 481-3431

 

Roseville Presbyterian Church

36 Roseville Avenue

Newark, NJ - 07107

 (973) 483-3361

 

 

 

New Life Missionary Baptist Church

392 Chancellor Avenue

Newark, NJ - 07112

 (973) 705-8780

 

North Jersey Community Research Initiative

393 Central Avenue

Newark, NJ - 07103

 (973) 483-3444

 

New Community Family Comfort Program-NCC

220 Bruce Street

Newark, NJ - 07103

 (973) 623-6114

 

House Of Mercy Mission

573 Springfield Avenue

Newark, NJ - 07103

 (973) 642-6226

 

Clear View Baptist Church

320 Hobson Street

Newark, NJ - 07112

 (973) 926-0471

 

Communion Fellowship Ministries

260 Washington Street

Newark, NJ - 07111

 (973) 639-2222

 

 

Website: http://www.Freedomministriesinc.org

989 S Orange Ave

Newark, NJ - 07106

 973-372-2828

 

Website: http://www.uccnewark.org

31 Fulton Street

Newark, NJ - 07103

 973-642-0181

 

Orange Valley House of Prayer

818 Hunterdon Street Fl1

Newark, NJ - 07112

 973-230-3135

 

http://www.calvarybaptistnj.org/Soup_Kitchen_%26_Food_Pantry/

66 South Grove Street

East Orange , NJ - 07018

 973-676-6467

 

New Ephesus Baptist Church

175 Brookwood Street

East Orange, NJ - 07018

 (732) 388-1136

 

New Hope Baptist Church Pantry

144 Norman Street

East Orange, NJ - 07017

 (973) 678-6710

 

Isaiah House

238 North Munn Avenue

East Orange, NJ - 07017

 (973) 678-5882

 

East Orange Community Development Corporation

490 Main Street

East Orange, NJ - 07017

 (973) 266-5315

 

House Of Prayer C.O.G.I.C.

138 Hickory Street

Orange, NJ - 07050

 (973) 676-8141

 

Website: http://www.stmatthewame.org/

 336 Oakwood Avenue

Orange, NJ - 07050

 9736787322

 

North Jersey Community Research Initiative

393 Central Avenue

Newark, NJ - 07103

 (973) 483-3444

 

Bethel Church Rehoboth Ministries

55 Lawrence Street

Bloomfield, NJ - 07003

 (973) 566-9100

 

 

Renaissance Church Of Newark

400 7th Avenue

Newark, NJ - 07107

 (973) 481-3431

 

Bethel Rehoboth Food Pantry & Meal Center

Stop by 55 Lawrence St or dial the number below.

Bloomfield, NJ, 07003

 (973) 566 – 9100

 

Bloomfield Presbyterian Church on the Green

Address - 147 Broad St

Bloomfield, New Jersey 07003

(973) 743 – 1796

 

Christ Church Care Closet

Mary & Martha's Kitchen

393 Washington Ave

Belleville, New Jersey 07109

(973) 751 - 0616

 

Church Women United Food Pantry

1240 Clinton Ave

Irvington, NJ, 07111

(973) 373 – 5930

 

El Club del Barrio

76 Clinton Ave

Newark, New Jersey 07102

Call the center at (973) 624 - 4222