Chris and Kayla

My heart and soul...

My Moon and Sun...

My Bevis and Butthead..

These two children are the biggest pains in my life but they are my first hope for the future. I have been thinking a lot about them lately and it pains me to say i have not really been a great aunt. I haven't tried hard enough to show them the life i want them to know. They live in a house full of NUTS! 
Here is the run down...


I live in a house with my sister and my niece in the basement apartment... My grandmother, grandfather, 46 year old uncle on the first floor... My mom, stepfather, little brother, nephew, and i am going to say my older brother ::that confusing story will come later in another paragraph::
Now my mother has custody over my nephew (which is my older brothers son). My 34 yr old brother is a pot head/alcoholic that plays video games ALLL day.. My niece's father is in jail for many charges, my little brother is a dealer, and my other family members are just.... Not all there... (my grandma is not apart of this bashing! she cooks for everyone and is getting old and doesn't do too much but i love her!!!)
I like to think that we just have a retard gene ::yes i made that up and i am not excluding myself:: that blocks our thinking passages! The only exception for me is... i figured it out and came to terms with it, in which case i am trying to fix it before it becomes super permanent!!!!
Sounds crazy and funny but i think this is a serious problem, and the more we are around one another the  more ignorant we get about our deficiency! lol
I at least try to stay in school and read and take the tough road so that my brain cells have the chance to work hard and develop! My family can care less for their vocabulary and mathematics and knowledge of the world around them... And honestly they are not my business anymore...
BUT CHRIS AND KAYLA are....
We had a choice but they don't really have a choice... their little sponge brains are taking in every detail of this FUCKED up life! I just hate it! But i am just as Fucked up bc i don't take action.. and most of it is bc i want to have my life straight before i do but it doesn't seem to be appending quite as fast as i thought! so this year i will make a resolution to try just a little bit harder when it come to my niece and nephew and i will update you on my progress...
Thanks for letting me vent!
xoxo JuJu

I LOVE YOU CHRIS AND KAYLA <3

Sick

I have been sick for the past week and really felt unenergized to even get out of my bed! I have been out of tune with the social world and even my personal world! Today i am feeling much better and almost normal... I've had a lot of time to think about many things... Many things... It has been a roller coaster of a week... ::smh i should say a year::  But that is for another post! ;)

...Try thiS...

KisS yourSelf...PresS your lipS againSt a part of your body that you can reach...Gently feel your Sweet touch...KisS yourself, I dare you...If you can't make yourself feel good ::Haley Berry Voice:: Then how do you know what your doing to Someone elSe? I do it everyday and yeS sometimeS it feelS awkward but it alSo feelS great; which makeS it feel right... Love yourSelf, I dare you..
To be in love or to love Someone elSe... You must Start with yourSelf....
Start at HoMe...
...KisS yourSelf...

Snippet #8... M<3D

I had a dream and you were standing there
I told you to go but
You stood right there
You stared
Now i am broken
you know
But i am stronger
than before
(should i let my tears fall
Or should i thank you for it all) 2x

Snippet #7... M<3D

You make me so
miserable
But i cant lie
I love u
Oooo...
Where does the wind blow
When ur outta town
Oops...
Under her skirt
Where are you now?...
Together we are
Countless Nights and days
Until she wants
to lead a chase
Who are you...
You feel so real but then so does faith Come here...
I want to... Have a taste..

Snippet #6... M<3D

Jealousy/ only leads to tragedy/ why become apart of this sytem/ the belief of America/ why become a person of misery/ the truth will hurt/ but hurt comes and goes/ just an emotion that is learned/ taught more so/ to understand life one must create a force/ when all else fails/ there is You/ living life without regrets/ living life with the future in mind/
::I came to the agreement that I want to hurt so why let it conquer me?... It was not really a smart idea but it helped me through these rough times::

Snippet #5... M<3D

Ill stay in for a while Until ... its safe to drive outside again... The lights r too bright to see... The mood is just not right for me... U need to know that im better now... I cant seem to find ur cloud... 9 stars to the left u said... But u dont care where I lay... So il just hide... Just try to find my way... In this neighborhood of unfamiliar houses... Try to piece together traces of the story... I'm almost there... I can feel it...

Snippet #4... M<3D

I have no idea/ cant fathom what i feel/ the ideals that i once had/ once cherished r gone/ the things that i used to want/ i dont dream of anymore/ i want to say its because of u/ what i want to do is blame/ blame someone else for this pain/ i am a changed person/ not because i want be nor because i dont/ it is a priority/ a shell for my own /

Snippet #3... #M<3D

I am GoinG to haVe fun today... bRight lighTs ... CitY cars... MusiC pumpiNg... My loVed ONe driVing... DoWn familiar places... WiTh no familiAr faces... i aM destined... To haVe a GReaT time tonigHt...
::this was written after weeks of crying and I was so determined to have fun no matter what it took::

Snippet #2... M<3D...

When ur lieing to me... Im noticing cuz... Im doin it to... And wen im in ur shoes... Lieing to u... You notice it to...
But i know its sincerity... causing our minds to think in the same direction... Insecurity (2x)

Snippet #1 of my heart's dialogue

She loved him... She loved me... I loved her wen he was fallin... Then we loved her like our own team... But in the end it was the two of them without me...

I just want to...

A never ending cycle of dumb ass behavior...
Who goes? who stays?
I just want to write...
I just want to live....
I just want to feel... I just want i just want...
My life to be...
If that is not what you think i deserve than you dont know me...
To deserve me is to know me..

Female Names I like...

Skylla

Venus

Irene

Aurora

Jupiter

Bri or Bria

Cadence

Ariane

Sherri Jones' Personal Assistant

I was made Personal Assistant to Sherri Jones today! :D
She is a Go Getter for real people! She is out to do greattttt things and i am very excited she chose me to take along for the ride!
Currently working as Director of Publicity, working on her own brand, and her recent work on ThePRdaily (a daily internet PR current event system) She is definitely GETTING her own! I am very proud to be around people of her stamina and I continue to grow as they show me the ropes.
I will keep you up to date on our progress!
follow her on twitter @Go_Getter
follow me too! lol @_jujubeam ;)
Thanks guys!

Love...

This is a very touchy subject...

Love?
What is that to YOU?
It is something completely different to everyone.

In the dictionary love is clearly an affection toward someone or something. To feel is to love, but to most Love is physical, materialistic. Anyone can be "in love" now a days.

So how can we tell what Love is? 

Love can be having someone that supports your every move, someone that keeps you financially stable, it can be someone who makes you smile every hour of everyday.

 Love can be holding hands and walking in harmony or sitting at opposite sides of a train while people watching. 

Who can really define Love? Not I... No you... But I can define Love for myself.

Love to me is an array of emotions, thoughts, events....

Love comes... then fades into black... to only come back around ::a cycle:: (speaking of real Love of course)

What is real Love? The act of doing right for that person, trusting that he/she will do the same for you if it were presented.... Feeling but also KNOWING he/she their heart beats for you...

Love comes with sacrifice and compromise. This idea will bring a rational debate :i am sure: Some will argue that true Love should not need sacrifice nor compromise because true Love should bring two people together that will balance each other and intertwine their thoughts as one. I beg to differ...

I debate that two people should have their own sense of life. Yes they should come to agreement on most but not ALL things, everything should be coherent of both parties. Yes one should balance the other but have their own ideals and goals. It should be as if your living YOUR life but with your best friend along with you for the journey... Well that is what I believe...

That is where my definition of "Love" differs...

I appreciate the magical fantasy Cinderella and her Prince type of Love but living your life searching for that to me is just unrealistic. The picnics, rose pedals, candles, notes on your pillow, writings on your mirror, flowers at your job, long talks and walks on the beach i think are special moments to definitely experience but to hope for that will ruin your perception in what YOUR own real fairytale could be! 

Just be open minded, be yourself, do not expect, just live and LOVE will find you!

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl this year to my standards! I mean i followed as many of the 10 Commandments as any human possibly could... so any 2 things on this list would really help my life!
Thanks JuJu
Below I have attached my Christmas List!
Attachment:
Christmas List
-headphones ($50)
-north-face etip gloves ($40)
-dome umbrella with yellow trimming ($20)
-yellow rain boots ($40)
-mac makeup from the flea market! ($30)
-hat and scarf ($20)
-fancy wine cork ($20)
-vinyl record player with all inputs ($100)
-body size mirror ikea ($160)
&
Clothes clothes clothes!!!!
Shoes shoes shoes!!!

Dedication to Forever Love

    This is going to be more of a scribble thought process... lets see if this works.
You are always you. I will always want you. Your face, poise, smile, sweep my thoughts away. I dream about the way you taste, the way you may love me... To face what could be in the future would mean to face what shouldnt be in the present. I cant... not now... i worked too damn hard. But wait... I shouldnt have to work at all, right? Love should come and stay... Like ours? We stood away and our hearts still beat for one another.. I feel like the others... stupid and unrealistic.. Either way it doesnt go away... No matter how much i fight i am eager to want a chance... A love dance between you and I... We tango beneath the island sky, those are my dreams of you and I....of you...and...i.... No wait, this is useless... to tell you what I feel what i know what I can NEVER show... If only that one chance to pause the time and freeze our minds... To dance to laugh to touch to kiss to..to..to.. I stop my mind from racing ahead of me... To face what has to be... I love you but can...WILL never have the chance to show you.
I begin to erase begin to forget..leaving myslef with a fragment of regret... Solitude becomes my safest bet. Can you blame me? Yes! I blame me, for i am weak and unarmed.. Leaving my life to someone else, feeling bad for myself... I would hate me, and have it no other way! That is what i hope you'd do, for I am not a bad person but can not fight for you... Will not fight for us two... It is a scary thought Me...and...You...
Out of my sight out of my mind you go...to fight your way back in again... always fighting always strong... Ill keep you only with me alone but still and then i trust no one... you'll be kept close... my secret desire, for in my heart i will keep a fire burning until that day of closure. When will it stop when will it end? The time will pass the years will flow...It will seem fast at times, then slow i just long to I let you know...
Like you there is no other, leave it to the fragment of my imagination to find my lover of secrecy...I cant say one day...i wont say to wait...im sure our love will always stay
forever urs
forever mines

...sex Sex sex...

I was in the shower after an Amazing round of Anal Sex ::it has to be with the right person ladies:: and i started thinking.. "What would make my life a bit more enjoyable?!"...::MORE SEXY SEX::...
What do I mean when i say "sexy sex", in terms of more foreplay more excitement! I love the "love making sex" it has always been my favorite nibbling, touching, kissing... Now I want to do more things. I want to use costumes, oils, candles, music, food...
I was always in a relationship for as long as i could remember, and the way i lived my life was well... NOT really adventurous when it came to my own sexuality. I mean my sex drive was always high from what i recall. But I always did my deeds with my partner and didnt spend enough time on myself nor changed the routine too much other than scenery. So i dont have much experience and I feel like when i DO want to do something different or experiment, they are kind of scared by it or thinking i am doing to much, which then leads me to NOT do anything... ::wrong thing to do:: #shuttingdown
I made apromise to myself that morning that I will be ME... I will suggest to my sex partner what I want to do and see how it goes from there.. If i want to watch a porno, if I want to dress up and call you Chico... I WILL DO IT!
Either your on my level or not... Either you enjoy it or you dont... Time will tell...

Another problem I have been having is...
I can not find people that are as sexually open as i am. I mean talking about it over the internet like "oh yea i like this i like that" is different than having people around you personally that enjoy talking about sex as much as i would like. Sex wouldnt be so enjoyable if it was not spread through world of mouth. It is one of the oldest Oral Traditions that reconstructs itself all the time! People that i am surrounded by look so timid of change and reality ::which is another topic i will touch on in a later blog::.. This will change also... Its either you love me or hate me. I am different and that is how i love to be...
<3 JuJu

Crazy JuJu..Crazy You...

This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I literally felt like a Rubix Cube. I could not for the life of me, put myself together... It was like i fell asleep and the files stored in my brain just spilled all over my cerebellum floor! I pictured small manila folders with papers just everywhere, my little file keepers must have went on strike last night! I seriously felt so unbalanced i didn't know what to do. 

I headed to school and it was just a crazy morning. I had a long conversation with my best friend and finally felt a little better, but i STILL felt just UGHH...

Nothing made sense! I was stressed about everything! I was upset that my mood wasn't changing and my mood wasn't changing because I was upset! What the hell was i to do????

....Just breathe.... 

....relax....

....control yourself!!!

I went about my day, knowing i had serious issues but i am capable of living a great life. I just need to take control of myself...

I still DO NOT know what was wrong with me, but for now I will just explain it as...

It was my second personality and i am CRAZY! #thatisall

Turning to psychotic behavior always does the trick! It will get you out of any trouble your in!!

Ill take it! Crazy i am! Crazy i will be! If that excuses my behaviors this morning, then GREAT!